bwahahaha

I saw this 8-track at the thrift store and thought it was maybe the best name of a song EVER.



durnit

Goodness gracious.

Enough of that!

Sorry I took over our space dear ones of mine. I know you both know we've all been through a lot of changes recently, but I don't want you to ever feel that you are less than normal, that you are missing anything, or that you must achieve some status to be worthy. I also need you to remember this: just as in the beautiful world around us, change is hard, beautiful and trans-formative.

So, here you can see how we've changed and grown- all of us. This space is about us. I want pictures of you, of these days, of our moments together. I want to document all of our blessings so that we can always share them. You two mean the world to me.

Abe, I can't believe how well you are reading. Mrs. White had a special reading group set up just for you. I'm so sorry to take you out of another school. Well, it's not that I'm sorry to take you out of school, but to have given it to you and then taken it away. I know when you look at me with those eyes that you understand. You could never possibly fathom how incredible you are. The perfect balance of mature and silly. Sweet and protective. And so damned wise. But then today, when we were playing soccer and you got upset, and hid, and cried...the way you still come to me and let me pick you up and hold you, it melts me, sweet boy. I have asked you for help when it was not your job to help. You seem to know my heart in a way that no one else does. Love you.

Ivy, sweet girl. I worry about you always. Always worrying. That I haven't read to you enough. That I'm not a girly enough mother for you. That your voice won't be heard. And I realize now, that the best thing for me to do is to not worry- because I don't have to. I needn't worry because you will, in fact, read one day. I needn't worry about not being girly enough for you, because you remind me of all the lovely feminine things about myself and how important it is to support however you feel in your body. I love that you bring this out in me and help balance my tomboyishness. I needn't worry that your voice won't be heard because the truth is, anyone who is worth paying your attention will hear you and your beautiful brilliance without any effort. You are perhaps the gentlest creature I've ever come across. Please remember this, for it is the only way you should permit yourself to be treated by anyone. Ever. Such a caring spirit, to see you with animals, my dear.. I can't wait to give you chickens, just a few more months! Love you my sweet.

Joint Wednesday Thursday.

Blogger crapped out last night in the middle of trying to post so I will add on to what I had on my good and bad, and then continue on after that.

Continuing.

Good:
29th
Hung bike
Made 'peg board'
Grocery store
Met with a friend
Avoided a place I needed to avoid
30th
Swimming lessons
Played polo with the kids
Met with Rev
Organized sewing stuff
Cleaned and cleaned and cleaned
Sight-read some old sheet music


Bad:
29th
Ate too much
Thought too much about how I ate too much
Didn't play the piano
30th
Ate too much
In my head too much

The tool cabinet:



I have had this project in my head for a very long time and am so stoked that it finally happened. I also learned something today: cable cutters are not the same as wire cutters. Waiting for neighbor to let me borrow his pair so I can make the last two cuts and it will be finished! Well, until I get the painting behind it started. Then it will be really finished. Can't wait for that to happen, and luckily my roommate is far more visually artistic than I and has volunteered her skills to help me out with that project.




The other project is also very exciting for me. I have been wanting to anally organize my sewing stuff for a long time now and kept trying to envision it. I knew there had to be some sort of peg board or holder for my spools of thread. The more I thought about it though, the less I wanted a standard peg board and the more I wanted to use something different. My sweet boy saved my some little branches from the tree we lost and, poof, the idea came to me. I think I've probably got the coolest 'peg board' ever.





Scored majorly on my last hike. Found this sign just lying in the weeds.



Now I'm in real time.

Last night I had the best gabbing session with a friend. It just blows me away how much I've grown and how I really am smart and can get along well with really smart people- people who used to intimidate the crap out of me. Now I see we're all the same. And she's so very lovely.

Swimming lessons are going amazingly well. I love to see the progress, not just from Tuesday to Thursday, but from turn to turn. My sweet boy being so brave even though I know he's truly terrified- battling his overwhelming instincts every second. I cannot wait to see him carelessly cannonball into a pool. And I also love seeing the difference between the two of them. Ivy is absolutely and totally comfortable in the water. Swimming longer and farther each try- head all the way under, kicking and kicking. Completely care-free. She and I need a sail boat in a serious kind of way. Truly two fish out of water. Abe can guard the treehouse on dry land and make sure it stays kept up for us while his girls are out to sea. :]

I finished organizing the rest of the sewing stuff tonight and have started on the cutest project ever. I can't wait to work on it some more. It involves an ear-less bunny who loves carrots. Oh. Thank you to Ivy for the artwork and inspiration.

I had a really good chat with my reverend today. She is so impressed with my progress and thinks I'm a totally rad person. She keeps telling me how incredible I am- so very self-aware and self-reflective, smart, talented, etc. She actually seems in awe when she says these things too, not just compliments meant to boost me. I'm a little dumbfounded that someone with a doctorate thinks of me that way.

Now I get to the real trouble. What's really been on my mind for about a day and a half now. I can deal with: run-ins here and geographical coincidences there; navigating my community in a way that protects me and my new-found boundaries; freaky yoga instructor flukes; waiting for something to pop up to take the place of old playdates. But. I'm struggling with magic. In a big way. I had given up on the idea. Completely. And to be honest, I didn't want any part of that anymore. I could rationalize it all out as coincidence because of similar interests and plain and simple geographical location. As far as I'm concerned, the Universe might not keep us apart, but I sure can. But then. Then yesterday. I randomly decided to visit an old website I hadn't visited in many, many months. And it was. It was magic. Too magic. Too magic for me to deny the magic. I kind of hate it. And yet I also can't help but giggle. The same day? The same fucking topic? Good god, there were even two the first day. How? Coincidence? Really? How can I deny it now? Especially when I want to deny it. I want to be apart from it. Maybe if I sit with it for a few days I can convince my brain that it is still, and nothing more than, just coincidence.

Freaky. Weird. Fluky. Magic. Too magic. Too magic to deny?

That doesn't really cover all the jumbled thoughts in my head. I could surely ramble on and on about it for multiple nonsensical run-on paragraphs. All I know is that I can't dwell on it or I will get hooked back in, and that's the last thing I need right now. The very last. So magic or not, I will try to not decide which it is and, rather, just know that it is- whatever it is.

Whew.

Throw a bucket of water on me,

and call me the Wicked Witch.

Genuine smiles.

Being silly.

Ay.

Oh my goodness, because I'm melting.

The sap its blood.

Needing to catch up.

It has been a rocky few days. I realize that when I don't write every day, I get jumbled and forgetful.

Woke up to the sound of chainsaws the other morning. I knew it was coming, but still, not a fun way to wake up. I can't believe it is gone. And I had to watch it and hear it. It was awful. It affected me far more than I thought it would. So sad. You're supposed to hug them and climb them not cut them down :[ and now our view is. different.








I can't really remember what happened every day so I'll just do today for the good/bad list:

Good:
Organized tool cabinet
Finished more polo mallets
Green drink for breakfast
Swimming lessons for kids
Skyped with mom
Wished ex Happy Birthday

Bad:
So many sweet potato fries. yum
Dwelled on things I can't change
Had less patience for my kids than they had for me

The cabinet looks amazing. I can actually use it and find everything I need. Made more mallets and mounted hooks for them. Next project is hanging my bike. Then organizing sewing stuff and crafting cabinet. Also need to fix shelves in kids' room.

Speaking of mallets. Kathy and I found kids sized ski-poles at a garage sale and now my kids are even cooler than me. And so damned freaking cute. Ivy skuuting around and Abe riding with one hand, all of us hitting the ball together. Oh my god. I think we are probably the coolest family ever. Thanks to Abe for catching me in a track stand...







The kids had a blast at swimming lessons. I have had to dip into my savings a little bit, but I really don't see that it's an option. We have been going to the beach a LOT lately, and with it being just the three of us most of the time, I have to know that they can be semi-ok in the water. They have been getting so very brave and I need a little security. And someone else to teach them. And the instructor is perfect. Especially for Abe as he is much more nervous than Ivy. I remember I used to have to put goggles on him in the shower as a toddler to rinse his hair. He just has a very strong instinct to keep water off of his face. But he did so so good, and the teacher was totally into his needs. Ivy is pure fish. Head all the way under no problem, grinning from ear to ear. I'm so relieved that this is happening, no matter the cost.

We went to the beach yesterday and I got beaten up. The waves were huge and unpredictable, and I ate sand several times on the body board. But so damned fun. Worth the bloody sand-scraped thighs. Any day. Which reminds me that I totally scored on a kids size 14 wetsuit for $10 at Goodwill (along with the pair of ski poles that are now mallets). I'm going to make a point of getting in the water and swimming everytime we go to the beach, no matter how cold. It's just a feeling. I need to practice doing that. Feeling.

After the beach I had a rehearsal with Ben and it again went amazingly awesome. We have such similar goals and interests. What blows me away though, is how much he digs my music, and how much I dig his music, and that they are happening at the same time. If that makes any sense. He's incredible. I would buy his album in a heartbeat. And he feels the same about me! It's insanity. We have our(my!) first paid gig on Sunday at a local farmer's market and I'm so stoked.

Kathy brought up some bamboo from her yard (along with the hacksaw and drill bits for mallet-making), so I can start working on my next project...embroidered clocks. I can't wait. I also can't wait to knit this: http://www.ravelry.com/patterns/library/velo-cycling-sweater I have no idea how I'm going to afford yarn for that. But I will make this. I will. It will be incredible.

My new roommate is great. She works. Cleans. Plays with the kids- and genuinely, truly enjoys it. And is great company before bed. It's nice to have someone to talk to about my day. Also, she thinks I'm swell and a good singer so bonus points for her. If only I were attracted to her and could feel anything, she'd be a great girlfriend.

Talking with my mom was good. It looks like she's put on a lot of weight, but I just have to remember that it's her life and her struggle and I have to let go of worrying about that. She loves my kids so damned much and they love her back and they chatted and chatted while I got some things done around the apartment. I did have to catch her up on what's been going on with me, which is never as pleasant to have to dredge up, but it's important to keep her from worrying or I get annoyed. Plus I suppose it's just not nice to worry your mom.

A phone call with a friend today really tripped me out. There was good news and bad news and it was mostly all just weird information to have to deal with. I think the best part was knowing I'm missed and not hated and forgotten. I don't want to think about the worst parts. A real bummer is losing a group of friends/routine for me and the kids. But. I know something better will come along. I know some magical thing will come up on Wednesdays to make up for this loss. Damnit. I don't want to think about this topic anymore. I know I will dwell on it enough once in bed before I fall asleep.

Ethan's birthday today. Weird. he's out of town on business and it's just weird. I'm sad for him. I think it's the first time he's been without a homemade birthday cake, and he's sick, and he's alone. But once again, not my life. I'm just cleaning my side of the street. We did talk finances a little bit, and I'm feeling a little more at ease about making rent. This also means that it has been 2 years since I sang The Luckiest at my fellowship. And a few weeks ago marks 5 years since I moved to California, and right around here is 4 years since my life changed forever under a tree. fuck

I find it interesting that the last few videos I've posted here, I had no intention of keeping or sharing. It's strange, but after hearing them a few times, I start to like them and their imperfections. I just record them to see what they sound like, and I end up liking them. The same is true for this song. I had no intention of posting this and at the time I always think that I can do so much better, but there's something so real about the way they've been turning out, that I like this one-take thing; it's very Kelli.


I've been rocking the hair-behind-the-ears look for a few days now. People are responding well to it, even me. I feel some days like a fat gross slob(which I see my daughter pick up on, and I constantly work on my body image, for at least her sake) and other times I feel like some kind of dream girl. I'm trying really hard to let go of a lot all at once, but being paranoid about my ears and chubbo face is not something I have the patience for when my heart is in a bajillion pieces. My sternum has actually been popping for weeks. (Literally broken-hearted.) I blame being in the fetal position for a very long time for that. It is NOT a good feeling, the sternum-popping. Just awful. And the sound it makes is so icky. I have faith(wow, I can't believe I started a sentence like that) that one day it will not feel as though someone very large with brass knuckles on has punched me square in the chest.

Anyway. I think I've caught up with myself pretty well here. I need to get to some meetings this week and I also need to get some sleep.

I can't believe I get to wake up to something so beautiful almost every morning:


And this girl too. My one true soulmate, what would I do without her?:

No post.

Last night I was too wrapped up in this to even handle anything:

(whispered in my ear)
I hope you find more hope- Abe

Literally left me speechless.

Legos everywhere.

In tradition-

Good:
Meeting
Avoided a place I needed to avoid
Rode my bike
Cleaned apartment
Milkshakes and pier
Found lots of patience for Abe and his anger

Bad:
Milkshake
Dwelled on the past
Smoked the hookah (doesn't feel bad right now!)

The place? The park where we saved each other's sons' lives. Fuck that.

Feeling very blessed for a new friend in my life. Loves my kids.

Feeling so unbelievably, on-the-floor thankful for Megan. Thank you thank you 'god' for Megan. All my love to her at this moment for understanding and supporting my craziness and helping me and my crazy brain to heal.

Feeling humbled by my own imperfection, and proud of my honesty for showing and admitting my mistakes as a musician:


I love my kids so damned much. I constantly feel unworthy of their love and forgiveness. And yet they still continue to love me no matter what. I'm so fucking lucky to have them.